Anger Management

These are the steps to forgiveness, as I understand them after 37 years of helping people let go of anger and resentment:

1. Be sure you have followed the above steps of letting go of your anger. You can’t hold anger and forgive at the same time.
2. Remember that love is who and how you really are inside, and that forgiving is more about who you are than anger is.
3. Grieve the losses you have experienced in the relationship where you need to forgive. If you haven’t grieved fully, you won’t be able to forgive. Learn more about skills for healthy grieving here.
4. Recognize that forgiveness is something you do with your heart and your gut, not your head. You may want to try some physical anger release methods to help with this.
5. Realize that you are forgiving for yourself, not because the other person necessarily deserves it. Forgiveness is for you, for your health and your good heart.
6. Be aware that you forgive because that is who you are. It is not “letting the other person off the hook.” They are still responsible for their actions, no matter what.
7. Write about the wrongs that you are trying to forgive. It is absolutely necessary that you get it out!
8. Keep repeating all of these steps until you feel your body relaxing and breathing a huge sigh of relief. That’s when you will know you have finally forgiven. Then wish the other person well, and give them permission to be who they are on the planet with you. You may or may not choose to be close–that’s another story. Forgiveness doesn’t mean everything goes back to how it was, necessarily.

Be easy with yourself during this process. Stay with it, and you will get there.

Anger is something you feel, it’s not who you are.

You have to remember that you really are a good person who wants to love and be loved, and that’s the first step to letting go of anger. Here are some of the steps to getting there:

• Realize you have good reasons for your anger.
• Trace your anger back to the fear and the pain that is behind it.
• Tell that story. Writing about your anger can help you let go of it–and it’s free!
• Practice these anger management techniques over and over, and you will definitely let go of your anger and be ready to begin to forgive.

Everybody wants to love and be loved, but pain, fear and anger can really get in the way. Forgiveness is the way back to love when anger has taken over.

Here is how the process seems to work:

• Love–it all seems to start with love. Police officers will tell you the most dangerous call they can make is domestic violence. That’s because in the family, there’s more love, therefore more vulnerability, more chance of being hurt, more fear and therefore more anger. Love is where it begins, and if you are able to forgive, that is also where it ends.
• Then there’s always pain–if there’s a lot of love, somebody’s going to get hurt. That’s just part of life, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
• Because of the pain, there’s fear and anxiety. This is totally natural, but you need to be aware of it so that it doesn’t take over and make you “blind.”
• Next comes anger, because it is a powerful, protective emotion that comes straight out of fear, pain and love. Anger is not wrong–it’s actually totally natural. But most of us don’t know how to express anger in healthy ways, so it comes out in harmful ways.
• Now we need to forgive–because it all started with love, right? This is the hard part–it’s easy to love, get hurt and be angry, right? So, now let’s really get into what it means to forgive.

That process we just talked about is a familiar one we’ve all been through. It is common. Forgiveness–true forgiveness–is not so common.

I am very impressed with The Us Factor and the work of Dr. Joe Melnick. When you go to this page you will find videos of couples talking about the progress they have made with The Us Factor. Dr. Melnick will teach you how to argue without destroying your marriage!

If after reading this blog you feel that you cannot get calm enough to show empathy, you might want to learn some good stress management techniques. The best way I know how to go about doing that is with the EmWave Personal Stress Reducer.

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Here are the basic empathy skills that will help you to avoid conflict and improve your relationships:

First, let’s look at nonverbal components, which are actually more important than what you say:

• Eye contact is essential–empathy is impossible without it.
• Soft eyes–just try this with your imagination. Try right now softening your eyes, and you will feel a slight difference. The other person will feel the difference too.
• Relax your face muscles, and try to show an open-minded expression–not a big smile or frown, just kind of neutral.
• Relax your body as much as possible, and breathe deeply into your belly.
• Use an open posture–put your arms beside you, not crossed. Also uncross your legs if that is comfortable for you. You can lean forward toward the other person, but you don’t want to overdo that, because it can feel intrusive.
• When you speak, use a soft tone, showing that you are not entirely sure about what you’re saying–this is because you will be telling the other person what you think they’re feeling, and you could very well be wrong.
• Only speak when the other person has paused and seems ready for you to say something. If you interrupt, the empathy will be “out the window.”
• Learn more about nonverbal communication on this page devoted entirely to the topic.

Sacred Roles In Marriage

Now let’s look at what you say to show empathy:

• Reflective listening is a key component of empathy. If you don’t repeat back what you’ve heard the other person saying, there is no way they will know for sure that you’ve heard them. Learn more on this page. The words you use are, “What I hear you saying is…” “If I’m hearing you right, you’re saying…” or “Let me see if I’m getting this right. What you’re saying is…” Then, when you speak, try to use their words as much as possible, avoiding interpretation or “putting your spin” on what they’ve said. If you can’t do this without judging the other person, don’t even try–because it won’t work.
• After you have reflected what they’ve said, say “When I put myself in your shoes, I can see how you would feel that way,” “When I look at this from your viewpoint, I might feel the same way,” or “I can really see why you would feel (mad, sad, scared, frustrated, etc.) when I look at this from your perspective.”
• Then go on to express validation, understanding and support, with words like, “I think I can see where you’re coming from,” or “I see what you mean.” Express appreciation for your partner’s openness, with words like, “I appreciate you telling me how you feel” and “Thanks for being open with me.” Avoid saying “I know how you feel.” You probably don’t, since the feelings are so personal, and besides–that statement is usually rejected when it’s used.
• Having said these things, do not go to your own thoughts and feelings right away. Allow time and space for the other person’s feelings, and see if they have anything else to say. Then, only speak your feelings and viewpoint if you strongly feel they will be open to what you say. Most of the time, it’s best to just wait until another time to bring your feelings in.

In many ways, you might say that empathy is love. It certainly involves respect and acceptance, which are major components of love. If you’re feeling angry and frustrated, you probably won’t be successful at showing empathy. Try to get calm and into a good feeling place before you try empathy skills. Inside, you’re a good person who wants to help. Tune into that part of you, and the empathy will flow more smoothly.

If your focus is marriage or intimate relationship, check out Sacred Roles In Marriage: Keys To Creating Fantastic Relationships and Expectations In Marriage: Healthy Ways To Deal With Disappointment And Anger In Loving Relationships. And, if you want to learn excellent conflict resolution skills, you will find that information right here.

How Does Empathy Help With Anger?

Unhealthy anger by itself separates you from others, and empathy connects you. That’s it in a nutshell. Besides that, did you know that you can have empathy for someone even when they’re angry at you? As a matter of fact, that’s the best possible thing you can do when either of you are angry. As soon as you express empathy for someone, I guarantee you that their anger will begin to subside, and likewise for you when you’re the one who’s angry.

When you’re angry, the main thing you want is to be heard and understood, and that’s what empathy provides. So empathy is like a “bridge over troubled waters,” giving you a way of connecting with people you care about, even when anger is present. Oh, and by the way…anger without empathy is the basis for all abuse. If you get angry at someone and have no empathy for their feelings or viewpoint, you can justify anything you want to do to them. Not a good thing. Empathy is not a luxury, it’s a necessity!

The dictionary definition is, “Empathy: Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.” It is the process of “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes” and “seeing things from their viewpoint.” Empathy means being “big” enough and healthy enough to step outside yourself for a moment and consider another’s feelings and perceptions.

Empathy is not:

• Sympathy–empathy and sympathy often get mixed up. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, which can be very unhealthy especially if it’s overdone. Empathy is always healthy, and doesn’t make you feel bad. Sympathy sometimes involves looking down on someone, and empathy is always respectful.
• Agreement–one of the reasons people sometimes resist empathy is because they think it is the same thing as agreeing. For example, a friend tells you that something really bad is going to happen. You hear their explanation of why, then you show empathy with a statement like, “If I look at this from your viewpoint, I can see how you would feel like you do.” Contrast that with, “I agree with what you’re saying.” Those are very different statements.
• Support–you can empathize with someone and not support what they’re saying or doing at all. That is a big part of the power of empathy–it gives you a way of connecting with people when you don’t like their actions.
• Forgiveness–just because you can see things from their viewpoint doesn’t mean you forgive them. It just means that you value the connection, and want to keep the lines of communication open.

Empathy is a key to maintaining connection with someone when you are in conflict or can’t agree. It is therefore essential to the health of any intimate relationship.

I’m sure you can answer that at least partially for yourself. Think about it…if you’re relaxed, breathing deeply and slowly into your diaphragm and focusing on the good things in your life and the world around you, is it possible that you might be a little less angry? I think so. Anger is one of the primary reactions to stress! So, it follows that managing stress will help with anger management. You will find a lot of stress management techniques in these Anger Management Techniques, for example. Anger often comes from a sense of hopelessness, when the stress level is so high and there are no solutions in sight is when a lot of folks are likely to “go off.” I think you get the picture. So, whether you choose anger management techniques or stress management techniques, you can’t go wrong!

• Relaxation–this is at the top of the list for a reason. Learning the techniques of physical relaxation can do so many good things for you that it would be hard to cover them all in forty newsletters!
• Breathing–this could even come before relaxation. It’s really a toss-up which is more important, so why not do both! The key is to breathe into your diaphragm, a technique you can learn here.
• Now for the thinking part–optimism is the key here. Research has shown consistently that people who are optimistic have lower stress. So, how do you get optimistic when you have so much stress? Well, the main thing is to focus on what’s good, right and working in your life. Learn the skills of becoming a Goodfinder and you will feel your stress start going down right away. Another great tool is to keep a gratitude journal to re-train your brain.
• Go to the Stress Management Techniques page and learn more!