Anger Management

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Here are the basic empathy skills that will help you to avoid conflict and improve your relationships:

First, let’s look at nonverbal components, which are actually more important than what you say:

• Eye contact is essential–empathy is impossible without it.
• Soft eyes–just try this with your imagination. Try right now softening your eyes, and you will feel a slight difference. The other person will feel the difference too.
• Relax your face muscles, and try to show an open-minded expression–not a big smile or frown, just kind of neutral.
• Relax your body as much as possible, and breathe deeply into your belly.
• Use an open posture–put your arms beside you, not crossed. Also uncross your legs if that is comfortable for you. You can lean forward toward the other person, but you don’t want to overdo that, because it can feel intrusive.
• When you speak, use a soft tone, showing that you are not entirely sure about what you’re saying–this is because you will be telling the other person what you think they’re feeling, and you could very well be wrong.
• Only speak when the other person has paused and seems ready for you to say something. If you interrupt, the empathy will be “out the window.”
• Learn more about nonverbal communication on this page devoted entirely to the topic.

Sacred Roles In Marriage

Now let’s look at what you say to show empathy:

• Reflective listening is a key component of empathy. If you don’t repeat back what you’ve heard the other person saying, there is no way they will know for sure that you’ve heard them. Learn more on this page. The words you use are, “What I hear you saying is…” “If I’m hearing you right, you’re saying…” or “Let me see if I’m getting this right. What you’re saying is…” Then, when you speak, try to use their words as much as possible, avoiding interpretation or “putting your spin” on what they’ve said. If you can’t do this without judging the other person, don’t even try–because it won’t work.
• After you have reflected what they’ve said, say “When I put myself in your shoes, I can see how you would feel that way,” “When I look at this from your viewpoint, I might feel the same way,” or “I can really see why you would feel (mad, sad, scared, frustrated, etc.) when I look at this from your perspective.”
• Then go on to express validation, understanding and support, with words like, “I think I can see where you’re coming from,” or “I see what you mean.” Express appreciation for your partner’s openness, with words like, “I appreciate you telling me how you feel” and “Thanks for being open with me.” Avoid saying “I know how you feel.” You probably don’t, since the feelings are so personal, and besides–that statement is usually rejected when it’s used.
• Having said these things, do not go to your own thoughts and feelings right away. Allow time and space for the other person’s feelings, and see if they have anything else to say. Then, only speak your feelings and viewpoint if you strongly feel they will be open to what you say. Most of the time, it’s best to just wait until another time to bring your feelings in.

In many ways, you might say that empathy is love. It certainly involves respect and acceptance, which are major components of love. If you’re feeling angry and frustrated, you probably won’t be successful at showing empathy. Try to get calm and into a good feeling place before you try empathy skills. Inside, you’re a good person who wants to help. Tune into that part of you, and the empathy will flow more smoothly.

If your focus is marriage or intimate relationship, check out Sacred Roles In Marriage: Keys To Creating Fantastic Relationships and Expectations In Marriage: Healthy Ways To Deal With Disappointment And Anger In Loving Relationships. And, if you want to learn excellent conflict resolution skills, you will find that information right here.

How Does Empathy Help With Anger?

Unhealthy anger by itself separates you from others, and empathy connects you. That’s it in a nutshell. Besides that, did you know that you can have empathy for someone even when they’re angry at you? As a matter of fact, that’s the best possible thing you can do when either of you are angry. As soon as you express empathy for someone, I guarantee you that their anger will begin to subside, and likewise for you when you’re the one who’s angry.

When you’re angry, the main thing you want is to be heard and understood, and that’s what empathy provides. So empathy is like a “bridge over troubled waters,” giving you a way of connecting with people you care about, even when anger is present. Oh, and by the way…anger without empathy is the basis for all abuse. If you get angry at someone and have no empathy for their feelings or viewpoint, you can justify anything you want to do to them. Not a good thing. Empathy is not a luxury, it’s a necessity!

The dictionary definition is, “Empathy: Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.” It is the process of “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes” and “seeing things from their viewpoint.” Empathy means being “big” enough and healthy enough to step outside yourself for a moment and consider another’s feelings and perceptions.

Empathy is not:

• Sympathy–empathy and sympathy often get mixed up. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, which can be very unhealthy especially if it’s overdone. Empathy is always healthy, and doesn’t make you feel bad. Sympathy sometimes involves looking down on someone, and empathy is always respectful.
• Agreement–one of the reasons people sometimes resist empathy is because they think it is the same thing as agreeing. For example, a friend tells you that something really bad is going to happen. You hear their explanation of why, then you show empathy with a statement like, “If I look at this from your viewpoint, I can see how you would feel like you do.” Contrast that with, “I agree with what you’re saying.” Those are very different statements.
• Support–you can empathize with someone and not support what they’re saying or doing at all. That is a big part of the power of empathy–it gives you a way of connecting with people when you don’t like their actions.
• Forgiveness–just because you can see things from their viewpoint doesn’t mean you forgive them. It just means that you value the connection, and want to keep the lines of communication open.

Empathy is a key to maintaining connection with someone when you are in conflict or can’t agree. It is therefore essential to the health of any intimate relationship.