The dictionary definition is, “Empathy: Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.” It is the process of “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes” and “seeing things from their viewpoint.” Empathy means being “big” enough and healthy enough to step outside yourself for a moment and consider another’s feelings and perceptions.
Empathy is not:
- Sympathy–empathy and sympathy often get mixed up. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone, which can be very unhealthy especially if it’s overdone. Empathy is always healthy, and doesn’t make you feel bad. Sympathy sometimes involves looking down on someone, and empathy is always respectful.
- Agreement–one of the reasons people sometimes resist empathy is because they think it is the same thing as agreeing. For example, a friend tells you that something really bad is going to happen. You hear their explanation of why, then you show empathy with a statement like, “If I look at this from your viewpoint, I can see how you would feel like you do.” Contrast that with, “I agree with what you’re saying.” Those are very different statements.
- Support–you can empathize with someone and not support what they’re saying or doing at all. That is a big part of the power of empathy–it gives you a way of connecting with people when you don’t like their actions.
- Forgiveness–just because you can see things from their viewpoint doesn’t mean you forgive them. It just means that you value the connection, and want to keep the lines of communication open.
Empathy is a key to maintaining connection with someone when you are in conflict or can’t agree. It is therefore essential to the health of any intimate relationship.
