These are the steps to forgiveness, as I understand them after 37 years of helping people let go of anger and resentment:
- Be sure you have followed the above steps of letting go of your anger. You can’t hold anger and forgive at the same time.
- Remember that love is who and how you really are inside, and that forgiving is more about who you are than anger is.
- Grieve the losses you have experienced in the relationship where you need to forgive. If you haven’t grieved fully, you won’t be able to forgive. Learn more about skills for healthy grieving here.
- Recognize that forgiveness is something you do with your heart and your gut, not your head. You may want to try some physical anger release methods to help with this.
- Realize that you are forgiving for yourself, not because the other person necessarily deserves it. Forgiveness is for you, for your health and your good heart.
- Be aware that you forgive because that is who you are. It is not “letting the other person off the hook.” They are still responsible for their actions, no matter what.
- Write about the wrongs that you are trying to forgive. It is absolutely necessary that you get it out!
- Keep repeating all of these steps until you feel your body relaxing and breathing a huge sigh of relief. That’s when you will know you have finally forgiven. Then wish the other person well, and give them permission to be who they are on the planet with you. You may or may not choose to be close–that’s another story. Forgiveness doesn’t mean everything goes back to how it was, necessarily.
Be easy with yourself during this process. Stay with it, and you will get there.
