Anger Management

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Whether it’s by talking or writing about your past traumatic experiences, you will benefit. Dr. James Pennebaker, in his excellent book entitled, Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions cites research that shows how writing about painful traumatic experiences reduces physical illness and in some cases helps individuals control their anger. He tells of one study where a group of individuals were laid off from their jobs with no notice after over 20 years of loyal service. In his research study, those who wrote in detail about what happened to them were less angry afterwards, and were much more likely to get jobs than those who did not write about their experience.

The idea here is that writing about their experience made these men less angry, and therefore better applicants for new positions. Whatever is going on in your life (and a lot of folks are out of work right now), write about your anger, frustration and the experiences that lead to those feelings. It will help. It won’t solve all of your problems, but it will help.

You either work on your past or it works on you.

Okay, here’s the deal. You and I and everybody else got hurt, one way or the other. Maybe you know how you were hurt, and maybe you don’t. But it’s part of being human. Because you were hurt, you became afraid and wanted to protect yourself–that’s where anger comes in. Anger is a protective emotion. So all those memories of getting hurt (by abuse, neglect, abandonment or favoritism), are in your past! Yep, the causes and cure for your anger issues are in your own memories, which live in your past. And when you take responsibility for healing your own anger by working with your memories, you gain tremendous freedom, strength and self-knowledge.

Good question! You can try to put your past behind you, but the only place it will go is to the back of your mind. Then it will run the show at times, from the background (your subconscious mind), and trigger your anger, over and over. You just can’t get rid of your past–and you wouldn’t want to, because it is your life experience!.

So! Why not turn that dirt into gold? That’s right–by working with your memories, you will get smarter and stronger, and overcome the issues that have caused your anger.

Did you know that simply writing about your emotional experiences is very good for your health? And, it can give you insight into your situation and help you to make better decisions in the future. We really want to hear your stories, and here is a page you can go to right now to submit any story at all. Or, this page is specifically for teen anger stories. Here is one of my favorites entitled, “Twelve Years Old And Hostile” submitted by Kimberlee from Lawrence, Kansas:

Join Kimberlee in sharing your story about teen anger or any other topic of interest related to anger and grief.

Being a mother of two young boys can cause you to think that you no doubt need a lesson in anger management. I suppose have children of any age can also induce that feeling. I have a short fuse to begin with, add in screaming, yelling, and just plain racket and you get a really messy situation.

I have never endangered my kid’s welfare nor have I seriously tried to hurt them. I can remember one day I thought it would be nice to decorate pumpkins with the kids and their cousins. So here I am with two two-year olds, and two five-year olds. We cut out things to glue on the pumpkins and then tried to glue them to the pumpkins. All the while they were running and throwing the pumpkins. I tried really hard to keep my calm and remember that I asked for this.

At the time all I wanted to do was rant and rave and yell at them. I wanted to tell them to go sit in the corner like a bunch of statues. Then I calmed myself and tried reminding myself that they are only children and that is what they do for fun. I have always said that some things are better remembered than experienced. I look back and think it was a good thing.

This is a story submitted to www.AngerManagementResource.com by Suzie from Woodville, TX. Please feel free to submit your own story about anger mangement, road rage, grief and loss, adolescent anger, or forgiveness.

When I was eleven my father died. I remember sitting on the living room couch in my grandpa’s lap with my little brother John sitting next to me. My other brother, Matt, was in my mom’s lap in the rocking chair in the adjacent corner of the room. John was eight, and Matt was five.

My grandma perched on the coffee table, her hands squeezed into fists in her lap. Her eyes were swollen. I noticed then that Pa-Pa was holding onto me so tight and that mom was hanging on to Matt for dear life, too. I wondered what this meeting was called for. I was scared. I wasn’t sure what was about to happen. Then she said it.

Our daddy had died. He died in an accident is all she said. No details. No answers to why or how. The only words floating around in that room were, “We’re so sorry, so sorry.” I was mad. I was confused. Matt didn’t really comprehend anything. John looked at me for guidance from his older sister. I had none to give. I was struck down from my cloud of innocent childhood, plummeting to the earth to land face first in a pile of disappointment. Life was going to be hard from now on. And that is the source of all of my anger, frustration, disillusionment and self loathing. I blamed myself for not being a better daughter.

That “accident” was a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

This is a story submitted to www.AngerManagementResource.com by April from Lilburn, GA. Please feel free to submit your own story about anger mangement, road rage, grief and loss, adolescent anger, or forgiveness.

This was a contribution to www.AngerManagementResource.com by Amber from Arizona, followed by my response. I thought some of you might find some benefit from Amber’s journey.

This is from Amber in Arizona:

I have had a couple rough relationships, but one that I am still a little bitter about. A man that wanted a family, got it and decided that he really didn’t want it. My husband now is a great father to my son and the most wonderful husband that I could ask for. He treats me with the utmost respect and loves me and my son more than himself. I feel as if maybe I hold him slightly responsible for this even though I know he had nothing to do with it.

We seem to have always had communication issues, we talk about them on a daily basis and we still can’t seem to get them to change. We understand each other and think we know where the problem is, but it just seems that there is something missing to kick the change into gear. I know that my anger contributes to the heartache that we both go through.

It seems that I have a great day and am happy at work and when I talk about my husband, he is the man of my dreams, but as soon as I walk in the door, I show him something different. I feel as if I am two people. I don’t want to be around him and I am always so angry with him, but inside I just want to love him and for him to hold me and talk about our days. The only reason I can think of for me being so angry is my sons biological father. The love I have for my husband just doesn’t seem to come out to him as much as we would both like it to.

I have thrown things at him in conversations and have even physically attacked him twice. If I don’t physically attack him, I have clips that play in my head of it. It is such an awful sight and feeling that really needs to go away.

It seems that we will talk and turn it into an argument, I feel as though he purposely tries to push my buttons and get me angry, but he feels differently. I sometimes can feel my anger rise, other times I just snap. I don’t seem to remember my physical act if there is one, but I do have alot of visions of angry awful things. Most of the time that something physical happens, I only remember just before and after and not the physical act. I blow up alot and yell at him for a while. during the time I tell myself to stop and calm down, but I can’t. after I blow up, I do feel exceptionally better. I usually feel great if it’s only an argument, but I do not want to feel great after that, I want to feel great when we converse and we come to an agreement or understanding. These ways that I feel are wrong and I don’t want to be this person anymore. Unfortunately, we are not financially able to see someone for our issues or mine. My insurance doesn’t cover and we currently are barely making bills.

Please help.

Amber

Response From Dr. DeFoore

Hi Amber

Thank you for telling about your situation. Many people will benefit from reading it.

First of all, I want to congratulate and support you for taking the action of writing for this site. You have already begun to help yourself. You took a lot of responsibility in what you wrote, and you are not claiming to be an innocent victim. That is excellent!

When you take responsibility then you are free to change–when you claim to be a victim, you have to wait for the other person to change. So, you’re ahead of the game already!

I’m going to help you in several ways. Here are some actions I recommend:

1) Begin keeping an anger journal. Write about your anger everyday, once or twice a day. Don’t show it to anyone, it’s just for you. And in your journal, don’t be nice or reasonable. This is a place for your raw, unedited anger to come out. Say it all, and don’t hold back. It won’t be pretty, but it’s better out on the page than in your head and heart.

2) IMMEDIATELY after writing in your anger journal, in a separate journal, write about what you appreciate and what you are grateful for…in yourself, your husband, and in your life in general. Keep writing until you find yourself starting to feel better. Always follow your anger journaling with gratitude and appreciation for what is good, right and working in yourself and in your life. Keep writing your gratitude and appreciation even after the anger has subsided. Do it for the rest of your life. It will keep you connected with your good heart and soul.

3) Sign up for my free Healing Anger Newsletter, and when you do you will receive a free copy of my E-book entitled “Anger Management Techniques.” Read this thoroughly and follow all of the exercises in the E-book.

4) Go to the Free Anger Management page on my web site, and you will learn about everything that is available to you at no charge.

5) Take 15 minutes a day, for a period of two weeks, and write non-stop about any and all traumatic, painful memories you have. This is not for anyone to read, it is only for your benefit of opening up and expressing your emotions. Especially write about early childhood memories, the earlier the better. And write about your ex-husband.

6) Go to the page on relationships on my site and memorize the Conflict Resolution Skills you see there. See if your husband will do the same, and the two of you can practice those together. Feel free to copy them and print them out. Do not try to use these communication skills while you are angry! Practice them when you are calm and feeling good together.

Amber, you are indeed a good person inside, which is exactly why you are concerned about this problem and choosing to correct it. Follow the above recommendations, and I believe you will get good results.

I wish you all the best in your journey to healing and building a healthy marriage.

Dr. DeFoore